5 Things To Learn From The Descendant Dad
Recently, Brooke and I were finally able to sit down and watch The Descendants (2011) starring George Clooney. Alexander Payne directed this authentic portrayal of a family dealing with loss and betrayal in the setting of beautiful Hawaii. I have always been a fan of Payne’s earlier films, About Schmidt and Sideways. His films are far from plastic Christian family films and are R-rated, full of characters who are busy, frustrated, but also have had a taste of what joy could look like in life by their ambitions. These three movies are representative of a fallen world yet a world full of real people with real flaws we all can relate to. Any movie willing to remove the mask I can appreciate. I’ve written about this before but in all of art, I try to look at where Christ can teach us about how to live, even through a movie like The Descendants.
Years ago I asked an older friend of mine how he was doing with his kids. He said something like “You know, I have been spending a lot of time with my kids but the hardest part isn’t that, it is how to best engage with them.” I wasn’t a father then but it stuck. I thought of my own parents and the times we bonded best and it was almost always when there was true engagement through conversation, experience, and genuine discussion.
The Descendants reminds me of how I am supposed to be engaging with my kids. As I write, my girls are only 2 and 4 but it seems evident that if I don’t start doing this now, it will be more and more difficult to do like what we see in George Clooney’s character.
As a parent, I am learning these 5 things about what I need to do to be a good parent:
- Be present. You can’t be a parent without first establishing that you are there for them. Your job may be important and incredibly busy but there is no more important job than being there for your little ones.
- Listen. The more I ask the girls questions, the more I discover about their hearts through what they like and don’t like, etc. Sometimes this requires me to be extra attentive when they start talking about the most trivial things but they want our full attention.
- Be patient. There are days that my kids won’t want much to do with me. Sometimes they just want their mom more (like what The Descendants implies). Never feel like what you are doing is a waste of time because by being there for them, there will be the right time when they come to you.
- Pursue. Don’t be too frustrated if they push you away. Continue trying to engage. Whether kids admit it or not, they want us as parents to show continual interest and keep that hand extended no matter how bad things get. You may have a broken relationship with your child and I can’t imagine how hard that would be. Give healing some time and never stop your pursuit.
- Join them. Go on adventures together. I read a great story in Meg Meeker’s book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters about a father who despite not having a good relationship with his daughter, he did what he knew best and took her camping. Even the trip it didn’t solve everything, the shared experience broke barriers and opened up the relationship to grow again.
Learnings from The King’s Speech & The Social Network
This past week I’ve watched two fantastic films: The Social Network and The King’s Speech. Both are tremendous works of cinematic art. Both were successful at the Golden Globes and most likely will do well at the Oscars. Most importantly, they tackle some key issues that make the movies relatable and by all means fit in the “great” category.
The themes of these films are classic Shakespearian: Friendship, trust/betrayal, duty, love, insecurity, and courage.
As a man these themes came right out from the screen and hit me in the heart.
The Social Network is a breakdown of the things that can make men great.
The King’s Speech is a build up to those things that do.
They are equally important to learn from.
In life I’ve learned that every person is flawed. It’s what one does to overcome it that matters.
Here is what I learned from these core themes:
Friendship. Find your Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush’s character). He is the guy we all want to turn to in life.
Duty. Sometimes whether we don’t feel like we deserve to be in a certain position (or don’t want it), we must rise up to honor those before us.
Courage. Know that you can overcome anything with the help of others and the willingness to risk. Stand up for what you believe in. It’s not supposed to be easy.
Trust/Betrayal. Be aware of those around you. We’ve all been betrayed. It is human nature to a degree. I’ve betrayed friends before unfortunately. Ask forgiveness and forgive but learn. Trust can be earned back over time.
Insecurity. We don’t have it all together. No one does. Be open about that and trust in God, in others who love you, and remember that you’re not alone.
Love. Need I say more.
If you haven’t seen these movies, please do.
I’m challenged by the deeper themes here. What about you?
The Toughest Job In The World
I’ve double-bag caddied for 36 holes on 100 degree days.
I’ve worked 70 hour weeks in the office.
I’ve mowed a dozen lawns in one day.
But, there is nothing that could have prepared me enough for the toughest job in the world…
Parenting.
These past few days my wife Brooke has been out of town thus entrusting our two and a half year old and 11 month old to my so called capable hands. I’ll admit that I have had help as my mother is a saint for coming in town to help. In these past two days we have looked at each other and said “How does Brooke do it?”
There have been moments I have been proud of this weekend. There has also been times that I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my mother by stressing out and taking things out on her. I have to do that often to my wife as well so my poor mom is taking it for the team. Hey even Clark Griswold got to lose it here and there in National Lampoon’s Vacation.
I can only come up with one conclusion.
It is time to lighten up and enjoy this process.
I thoroughly love my kids and the being a dad no matter how hard it can be sometimes. This weekend we’ve gone to the pool twice, taken fun walks with our dog Winston, ran around the yard, made up a small inflated pool on our deck, created art, listened to music, ran around the mall, and yes I confess we even watched a little of the PGA Championships and a St. Louis Cardinals game. This is just part of the dad life I suppose and I’m still getting used to it.
I’d propose an end to trying to do this parenting thing alone. Even if you are divorced raising children, you are still not alone. The earlier we admit that we can’t do it all and all of it perfectly, the better off we will be. The more we rely on friends, family, and God to take care of us and give us patience, creativity, and forgiveness, the more fun we will have. I am ready.
If you are single reading this or are married without kids just watch and observe the parents out there. Learn from their mistakes, learn from their successes. Parents can’t imagine life without kids, it’s an adventure.
Both kids are taking naps as I write this by the way. Why am I not napping? Yep, because there is always something to do.
I’d love to hear some of your parenting stories and lessons. How do you get through the hardest days?
PS If you need a good piece of entertainment as a married couple with kids, watch Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. Last but not least if you didn’t catch the “The Dad Life” video, you’ll love this.
Share this blog
